I’m staring at the blank screen in front of me, trying to figure out how to say what I have been holding inside since the day the truth came out; months ago, now. No words come to mind.
There is a flame in my world that is slowly being extinguished. My ability to express my grief has been hindered by the fact that I am not allowed to grieve openly for fear of upsetting those involved. I comply simply out of love and respect.
Not being able to openly talk about something that causes great pain, is dangerous for me. If I allow myself to internalize too much, bad things happen. So, out come the cryptic metaphors, and vague references to release the building pressure.
Finding my Outlet
(Time to get a little deep, and personal.)
“I need an outlet.” I think as tears spill over, and run down my cheeks. I type out the words, promptly delete them. Unable to articulate my feelings in a manner that would be welcomed and accepted, while remaining true.
Instead, I let the tears fall as I go outside and for a smoke.
Only come back and loose myself in my imagination. Escaping from the bitter reality that one day he won’t be around, and its coming faster that I’d like.
Music. Tears. Writing. Silence.
Finding my way.
Good music elitists an emotional response. Words of wisdom imparted on me when I was 10. It stirs something private and deep.
If the song can do that it has achieved its purpose. Making its mark in the world, with all great artists.
I find myself remembering him, while finding my own voice. It makes me feel closer to him. Discovering new songs to express emotions that I struggled with. Helping me find the words I need.
I wanted to share with you one of my recent “discoveries”, an artist that makes me smile, and think of the man I most admire in this world. Summing up indescribable feelings, in a way I was previously incapable of doing.
Ones that even managed to get out the right words, and send that email.