Bring it 2020!

Nathan ready to devour is birthday parfait. Chocolate for DAYYYSS!!

Nathan is 12!!

Greeting and salutations fellow humans! May good tidings find you and yours this New Year!

Time for Celebrations!

When I was in high school (circa late 90’s early 2000’s), I remember telling one of my friends I hoped I never gave birth during the holidays. I guess I should have found some wood to pound on after I said those words, but I was young and naive. (Get your dirty minds out of the gutter. I meant like “knocking on wood.” perv…smh. )

Fast forward to December 28th, 2007 and we welcome Nathan to the world, a whopping 9 lb some odd ounce bundle of joy. Poor kid. Fast forward again, to November 30, 2014 we pop out Malcolm, also a 9 pounder. I only have myself to blame for this though. I didn’t understand the power of mindless utterances back then. Hind site is 2020 I suppose.

(Don’t roll your eyes. It was magnificent timing.)

The face you make when mom makes you take a picture before the singing can commence.
We put 12 candles in the top of that jar!

Damian, my oldest, was born on March 20, 2004. He is my equinox baby. Because all three of them have birthdays that fall during school breaks and major holidays (Also, because I suck at party planning, and being social.) I do not try to plan “birthday parties”. We just get each child a gift, do something fun, and let them pick dinner. Finishing the day with a special cake/dessert made for them, and the traditional chorus of Happy birthday. Nathan cheeseburgers for dinner, his “cake” this year was a very chocolatey parfait, and we played games. He got What do you meme? for Christmas, so we started there. It was a wonderful day for all of us.

With the good days, there are often bad days that follow.

A moment of grief, bolstered by fear

We had a little bit of an incident on New Years day. The pup got a hold of one of Jimmy’s Christmas presents, due to my negligence, and chewed it to pieces. It was a piece of fandom memorabilia from Firefly. It was one of two gifts I got him, before I got fired from my last job. Many tears were involved.

If you’ve ever had a problem with depression, and anxiety, you probably understand how easily this can spiral into something that could crush you. It threatened to. I had already been feeling guilty over losing my job, on top of only managing to get him a few of the things I wanted to get him for Christmas. Guilty; he didn’t get lavished in gifts like everyone else. (He would tell you he was fine with it, which I believe, but I still felt/feel like a shitty person because my actions lead to it.) Then to have half his gifts, which was really cool and expensive, get shredded…I circled that rabbit hole, and fell in for a few hours. It was bad.

I knew if I stayed there though, I would not be able to reach my deadline. I remembered my family was supporting me; counting on me to follow through and finish this. My Husband didn’t blame me, and I needed to pull myself together. So I did, and I am really proud of myself for it. I had to share, since I don’t think I’ve ever pulled myself out of that place so quickly. I could have chosen to let the set back prevent me from moving forward, but I chose to push forward, and not let my guilt pull me under. His gift can be replaced, and it will be. I can’t take actions back, but I can make amends. I can focus on bettering my life, my family’s life. Not let that darkness in. I can, and I will.

Things are still looking bright for 2020. I overcame so much in 2019, and I am taking that strength with me into the new year. Life is pain, but you get up and you keep moving. I am unstoppable, bring it on world!

Malcolm is getting better at taking pictures. I think I am working on Becoming the Weaver in this shot, but I may be surfing the web.